Wednesday, June 29, 2005


That was then this is now
I used to smile, but now I frown.
I used to be the one to shine
Yet your words now only make me cry.

But now I know the real you
How quick you are to make me blue.
Now I know that I was wrong
See how love is when one is sprung.

Now I know it was all a game
A game full of dirt and full of shame.
Now I know the words were never true
Your not the same, this ain't you.

I never wanted to hurt you I swear
But now it's to late for an appology to spare.
To each it's own, you say we're different
I guess my love for you was insignificant.

Now I know you took me for granted
You lied and said I was all you wanted.
I showed you I loved you, showed you I cared
But please don't offer your pitty don't even dare.

So please I ask you think things twice
Before you make up your mind.
Remember all that I have done for you
And even thou you failed me you were always my boo.

Now I know that my love for you is unconditionally
I'll always love you no matter what eternally.
So if you ever loved and cared about me
Think things twice before you put an end to thee.
You know who you are.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005


I am so damn anxious for this 4-day weekend to roll around. I have made a few plans here and there and um well let's say it's gonna be buck wild. If you know me you know how I ROLL. I won't tell ya exactly where I'ma be but um let me give you some ideas of where I might end up this weekend. Let's see maybe ATL, maybe Panama City, North Cakilaky or might even find me up in VA. Yup it's gone be off the meat rack fo sho. And who am I gonna kick it with um names thou shall not be released for confidentiality. It might be a man, might be a girl, or um maybe it will be two instead of one.........shhhhhh. Don't say a word!!!!........**evil grin**. Ha I'm so much going to hell with a gasoline thong for what's bout to go down this weekend. Calls will be ignored fo sho, cuz I'ma be a lil too busy to pick up the celly. So with this said please niccas don't text message, IM, e-mail, or call me asking me who I'ma be with this weekend and what I'ma be doing, or if you can tag along or that you wanna join or just watch, and this and that jealous yapping shit cuz I don't want to hear it plain and simple save your spill and shut it up. So niggas now ya'll know. Can't run around claiming shit that ain't yours....and that goes for the bitches too.....feel me.

"who is your poem written to? "i thought you were" or is that a secret to?" : Bwahahahah a quilty nigga fo real. And I knew you were gonna be the first one to IM me asking me that. Yup you was a candidate for my poem so thanks for the inspiration. Told you Nancy he was gonna ask.............Bwahhahahhahha pobrecito es que nadie lo comprende........I'm going to hell and I'm bringing you with me Ms. Nance. I laughed at the IM and notes I got from niggas asking me if I was talking bout them, bwah even got a note from this trick.....blah save that shit and pop smoke. You know if you was honerable mentioned on my scribe.....maybe your lame ass still brings me inspiration.

Well I'm tired and ready to go cuddle in bed and the bed looking real good n steamy ova with that niggas and bitches I'm out.

P.S. I will be posting later on maybe tomorrow bout my lil vacation. Some of ya'll mofos have already started questioning my vacation and what troubles Shy done did. Some will be told others are coming with me to the graveyard. Bwahahahha!



Monday, June 27, 2005


I thought you were the one who loved
I thought you were the one who cared,
But nigga realize this
For you I won't be puffing hot air.

I thoughy you were different
I thought you were the one,
Nigga please let's keep it real
You can't even make me cum.

I thought you were serious
I thought you were steady,
But nigga you can't have me
Shit, you ain't ready.

I thought you were my future
I thought you were my man
Fuck all the damn waiting
What you can't do another one can.

I thought you were intrested
I thought you stood a chance
Nigga don't come to me with bs
Don't fuck up my stance.

I thought you were worthy
I thought honesty you had
Nigga please whatever
Your bad luck and that's fuckin sad.

I thought you were the one to please my fantasies
I thought you were the one to make my day
Nigga your ugly as bad weather
Making my shine fade away.

I thought you were beautiful
I thought you were handsome
Nigga I now see all your flaws
You ain't all that, but ignorant and dumb.

I thought you were gorgeous
I thought you were cute
Nigga I was so wrong about you
Fuck that, with you I'm through.

I thought you were settled
I thought you was grown
Nigga you almost thirty
And your childish ways deeply show.

I thought you were special
I thought you were sincere
Nigga you now want me and not your wife
WHAT!!! Get the fuck outta here.

I thought you were detailed
I thought you were that perfect smile
Nigga please you ain't "The Man"
You were just worth the while.

I thought you were friendly
I thought you were the nigga with class
Nigga I ain't got time for games
And I refuse to be your side piece of ass.

I thought you ALL were heavenly
I thought you ALL were perfect
Fuck ya'll niggas fo real
Ya'll ain't worthy of my respect.

*~*~Wrote this scribe after seeing all the shit I have put up with men so if you are one who can relate to parts of this scribe maybe just maybe I'm talking bout yo ass......ahhh I feel better now, had to vent a lil.~*~*

Friday, June 10, 2005


I just wanted to share some of my pics from one of my first photoshoots. Sorry I just now posted them, but yea I'm a lil lazy like that. So there it is what MANY requested to see. I have more but I didn't want to brag, but you get the idea..que no? Anyways I'm going home to Texas tomorrow and I am so fuckin happy!!!!!! Can you tell???? I'll try to post while at home, but then again I know I'ma be real busy to post anything. Oh and I got me some flowers yesterday by this special someone who's name I should keep secret.....**Sneakering**, but um thank you very much you totaly made my day. At the end of the post are pics of the flowers. Kisses to all enjoy the pics and have you some eye candy.

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Tuesday, June 07, 2005


That my friends I abide by at all times. I will start to say that just when you think shit is not going your way and you feel a lil blue during the week, or when along the week you have been looking forward to meeting someone and they don't do as they say. Here it is....uncut, unrated, and explicit raw and unsensored.

I know it has been a hot minute since I last had posted on my blog, but I was feeling a lil tooooo lazy. So I'ma try to sum shit up for you all. Two weekends ago(May27-30) was a 4-day weekend for us militant folks. Bet some of ya'll civilians had to clock in. Anyways I went to Dalton to spend time with my family for my cousin's graduation. It was great. I left my place round 10 and arrived at Dalton at about 1 am. I was crunk as fuck and I couldn't wait to see my family. So CRUNK I wasn't even sleepy at all. Either so I had a blast. I saw some of my cousins and their kids whom I had never seen before. Everyone is so grown so yea I was kinda sad at the lost years. I'd say the last time I had seen some of them was when I was 16 and I'm 22 now. Big difference. I woke up one morning and it was so beautiful waking up in a house full of love and all that Mexican cooking. Hmmm I'm home sick like a mug. Well the graduation was nice and the graduation party was bumping. Well let me tell ya, I got so many calls from this individual that likes to act all hard and ish. I had a shit-loads of missed calls on my celly from him. Ha that made me feel ever so wanted. (Mr. I don't want to put a title on us) which actually is there yet not official....he was kinda upset that I didn't stop by to see him. Awww po baby. HARD HARD HARD...yeah right. Baby your as sappy as you can be. No need to act HARD. Nancy said the same thing...LMFAO. Either so the week after that was ok. Oh and even though my PLANS for this weekend had completely done a 360 on me and left me wondering um what the fuck. Guess with who I was kicking it....yes sirrrrr. King-P-Atl once again and always as kindly and as lovable as always told me to go down there to the A since I wasn't gonna meet up with my cousins or anybody else. Chilllllllin baby alllllll day long. And acting like "RABBITS" allllll day looooong to include the night. WHITE FEATHER BLANKET HEAVEN became MINES again. Ha hate on me now........biooootch. Didn't I tell ya that I won the mutha fuckin war.............I gets what I wants. LOL. Ain't that right Nancy. OOOOOO I'm going to hell with a gasoline thong....ROLMAO. But then I got real emotional and I started crying over what shit I don't know. I was happy and um entranced at what new things he done did. Nancy I'ma have to tell you that offline....toooooo explicit for this blog here. But anyways I started to cry cuz we were watching some movie and it was kinda sad. Cutest thing was he was kissing my tears away and he was wipping my face with his bed sheet. Awwww yeah I know sappy huh. But that's what makes him THE ONE. Well I ended up leaving at 12:30 which made me arrive here at my place round 2:30am. Yeah my dumb ass got lost, believe it or not I thought I had missed my exit cuz I was on the phone talking and not paying attention for my exit to come up. But as usual I paniced cuz it was dark and the last thing I wanted to do was be lost and wasting gas when all I wanted was to be at home beauty sleeping. Well I called King-P-Atl and told him that I was lost. He tried to tell me where to go but I had already exited God-only-knows where. But I'm so awed at how my weekend was. It was planned to be different and spent with other folks but look at where my destiny done took me. Atl!!! Like I have said before I get what I want.

WEED IS A HELL OF A DRUG: Ok I love seeing folks high. Specially this one person. Awww he is so retarded and it makes me fucking laugh at the shit he be saying. I try to act serious, but I swear he is sooooo silly and I love him for that. We went to eat at this Mexican joint and um he was saying the craziest shit ever. I was looking at him**serious faced**but I just couldn't keep a straight face cuz he was mad saying crazy shit. Nancy we gonna have to smoke with him some day. King-P-Atl esta muy muy loco.

WASHIN KIKI:Ok why in the world did I do what I did. I don't know what in the world possessed me to wash KIKI at damn 2 something in the afternoon. Holly ish it was blazzzzin hot!!! I started to just throw some water on it and carry my ass back inside to the AC. But I saw these two dark skinned guys out there and I said to myself if these two dudes can spare another ray of sun I knew I could too. Plus I do need a tan so that's why I'm happy I'm going home this weekend and I'm hitting South Padre Isand. As I was washing my car this dude started to talk to me, in a shy kinda way. Slow questions and trying not to be too abrupt. I thought it was funny, cuz some men's game is just um how can I word it...."LAME" that's the word. He told me he worked for CID and that if I ever got pulled over or needed any criminal related help to give him a call. Of course you never know when you gonna need a hook up here and there so I took the number. If I shall ever get pulled over and get ticketed I will be ring-a-linging his ass to clear my ticket. When I told this to my boo boo he started laught at this dude's game. Which had me tripping too. My boo boo said,"What would I look like telling someone hey if you ever need a webpage done call me." Ha ha ha baby you so stoopid fo real. Soliciting your services that would be something. Plus your game ain't that whack....just a lil. Nah I'm just playing but I know mine is better than yours. I did holla at you first didn't I. And I knew you was gonna be mine. And look at it now. Just to prove to you and many others.

I HAD TO SAY IT:I got females offering me pussy more than some of ya'll men will ever see and that's just sad. I checked my bp notes the other day being that I'm not on BP like I used to and to my surprise. BOY O BOY. Some of them women was like dayum she fine!!!! I also had a bunch of threesome invites and invites to do pornos and shit like that. I was flattered, but yet not that intrested at the moment. Either so the reason for this posting was because one of my friends saw and read some of my notes and he was shocked at all these girls that was leaving their numbers and shit. I was like dayum I can pull more women than you and that is sad.

Well I'm tired and I gotta make some calls. Yup gotta take advantage of the free night minutes. I have many other things to say but I'm just too lazy to even keep typing plus I still have to keep packing for my trip. I can't wait to go home and see my family, specially my lil nephew. I shall return folks.

So women keep ya shit looking nice cuz men don't like that. Facials work wonders and um do ya hair more often cuz men don't like nappy/frizzy might think that ish is cute, but they don't. They like that good hair. With that said I'm.............................................OUT THIS BIOOOOOOTCH.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005


Well can the church say amen. Why o why the past trying to cut it's presence into my present? Ok so ya'll remember T right the dude I was kicking it with, well I cut his ass loose a while back. Yeah cut his shit loose. Anyways I got a call from him today talking bout long time no see blah blah blah. He then proceeded to ask me what I was getting into later on tonight and shit like that. Well to make a long story short he was missing me awww but then again who doesn't. Even the hard ass nuccas be missing me too......awwwwwww LMMAO!!! Ain't got room for your shit T so keep on stepping till I brake ya glass....***Get it...break ya glass.***

Well things are flowing ok on my neck of the woods. So far so good. I'ma be up in the A this weekend kicking it with my cousins. But Sunday will be a charm.....chevy paradise. Well I ain't got much shit to say today. I'm watching Dave Chappelle's Season 2, yeah I'm a big fanatic of his show. That nig is crazy. Either so my Roomie just brought me some food....Love ya Roomie. I'm bout to go eat me some chicken tenders and some fries. Anyways Carim if you stop by my spot, know that I did all that was in my power to keep you around the vibes.....Damn it man why you leave your lil sis. ****Teary eyed****

As far as the title to this post well it's as simple as you see......You don't miss your cookie till you see another nigga putting they hands in the cookie jar. And not just on the cookie....LMFAO. I got cha playa no doubt.

Oh and good news on my neck of the world......This mami done become promotable!!! Hell to the fuckin yea. I'm going to the promotion board in July as well as PLDC....ching ching baby!!!! Ain't nothing like a damn promotion and more chedda in my pockets....Fuck ya'll stand at ease and let me bitch slap you.....I'm just kidding folks. But I am ever so HAPPY for real.

Tuesday, May 31, 2005


Ok I'm not gonna say much on the following two pics, but um there you have it.....what you want to have again floating around on that white feathered blanket. Just to prove to ya'll that it's me check out the tattoo and if ya know me you will know that they are part of my lil two dolphins. And there you have it the pic that set it on's hot baby!!!
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I like this top got it for real cheap and it is so comfy and sexy....I love the color too, for once it's not pink....LOL.

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Just wanted to say that I miss you at the vibes and I can't wait to see you flowing with the hot writes on the vibes. You got the key now run with it nicca and let the truth come to light. And yeah I'm mad we didn't meet up when we was basically in the same damn post.....damn it bro.

I got you on that first visit.....bwahhahhahahha!!!!


A new chapter in life I offered you,
But as time goes by your distance only makes me blue.
I offer you what I have left to share,
Understand that I only want to be fair.

Will you miss me when I am gone...

I opened up my heart for you to see,
That games and bs ain't part of me.
I gave you my time and my honest devotion
Entranced you with my essence and my love spell potion.

Will you miss me when I am gone...

My beauty you admire, by far it's flaws
But understand that I don't abide by all laws.
I'm one that is caring and easily loves,
But if you can't handle it then I am done.

Will you miss me when I am gone...

I'll give you my all and be your ride or die
A person like me is hard to find.
So here is my open letter for you to read
You are the only one I want and need.

Will you miss me when I am gone...

I have opened my world and let you in
I have started to share with you my life within.
And even thou my guard was up
You've taken me hostage I ain't even gonna front.

Will you miss me when I am gone...

At my weekest you were there
Making life easier on my end.
But now that you have my undivided attention
Understand that with me comes big affection.

Will you miss me when I am gone...

If you can't roll with me then don't waste my time
If you can't hang, then find you another dime.
I'm being honest and keeping it real
But if you ain't the one then it's a lost deal.

Will you miss me when I am gone...

So baby with this I will close and keep it in mind
I'm willing to try if you give me the time.
For once in my life I want to do right
With you by my side day and night.

Will you miss me when I am gone...

Tuesday, May 24, 2005


I never knew I'd see you again
I never wanted to see you suffer
Yet even though you were very strong
Internal battles got tougher and tougher.
We all miss you, we all need you
In a sad way the family came together
You brought us closer, made us better
Will this last long, will it last forever?
In life we take things for granted
We use and abuse people with no regrets
But when shit hits the fan it's over
In life we try to forgive yet never forget.
It's crazy to say in my heart your still there
And even though we had a love and hate relationship
You were the kind of person who never quit
And along the journey you were blessed with many friendships.
Despite the arguments and fights
We always tried to hold on strong.
The battles too many to fight
We lost all control and broke the bond.
I know God made a mistake
I should be the one laying there.
I have nothing to loose, and you did
He should have taken me, it's only fair.
I sit here and look at all the damage
In my head everything is questions with answers untold.
Remorse and regret have met at my door
The have entered my world and made it dark and cold.
If only you were here today
Looking into my brown eyes as I give my apology
I'm sorry for all the drama and worries I brought your way
Fear and terror holding down my agony.
They say misery loves company
I guess sometimes we settle for anything
We adjust for whatever is offered
Ain't nothing better than love from a human being.
I'm sorry for how shit went down
My heart feels emptier than solid ground
Emptier than the day you walked out on me
At least you were breathing, but that was then this is now.
Our wedding rings became unsignificant
The meaning lost it's thought
Along the way we vearly knew each other
Distance and time we always fought.
My dreams, your dreams, our dreams
Feelings left in dark, fantasies left in distance
Maybe in another world we'll meet again
Making everything come back to magnificant.

Saturday, May 21, 2005


Hi folks, ok so ya'll probably worried about where I've been why I ain't been updating ya'll of what is going on ova here on my neck of the woods. Well yes as ya'll can see by my previous scribes I did in fact loose my husband. Wondering why I said husband right? Well despite of everything in us being separated we were still married and not divorced even though the paper work was in effect. We both had moved on, he had a girlfriend I had a boyfriend type of deal. But yet we held on to a love/hate relationship. I never wished him bad yet always offered him the best as he did to me. Either so. I guess you really don't know how much you love or care for someone till that individual is gone. And that my friends now I know even more deeply. As ya'll can see in previous posts where I have talked about loosing my mom and that is still too painful and vivid in my heart and now this, it's just too much to handle. I'm strong, but every now and then I have my days were I wish I wouldn't go on any more. Then I have my blessings, my family and my friends that always bring purpose into my life. I'm not gonna lie because I'm a woman of truth. Many times have I thought about ending my life short. Why? I'm not gonna say, but with time I have noticed that I have a better purpose here in this condeeming world and despite of all the struggles at the end of the day I find myself looking in the mirror and smiling for all that I have accomplished. Which to my surprise is many things I never knew I could have or could have done or achieved. I'm weak at times yet strong, beautiful yet have my flaws like many, but it blushes me when people can surpass that and still love me for me. TO KNOW ME IS TO LOVE ME. It's a new beginning and a new me, this time I'm putting my welfare before anyone's else. I have my own cross to carry, you carry your own.

THE CALL: Ok so it's like 4 something in the am when my celly starts ringing and I'm asleep. I'm mad that someone is ringing me at damn 4 am when I don't wake up till 6am. So I proceed to pick up my celly and to my surprise it's my sister-in-law whom I haven't talked to for in over a year or longer. So she then tells me the tragic news. I was shocked didn't know what to say. I kept asking her if she was lying and telling her that it wasn't true. She reassured me that indeed it was true about my husband. That shit broke my heart, left me spechless and hurt. All memories of him and I became vivid and alive in my head and all I could do was cry without saying words. So we get off the phone and I'm sitting on my bed just asking myself WHY. Despite of everything that happened between us I never wished death upon him. I felt so guilty for all the shit that I had put him through. For all the times I did wrong and was so quick to start a fight. So I made a few calls. And I thank those that were there to hear my cries over the phone. I thank those that made me understand that what had happened to him was at no way my fault. So after a long hassle at work to get my emergency leave started I finally get a damn loan to buy my plane ticket. I hate loans but yet again I would of hated myself if I hadn't gone. After all like my sister-in-law said I was his wife and momma said that we were and are still family. I love them dearly, thought they were gonna hate me for all that went down between him and I. I underestimated them. On my way to Atlanta my mind was so stirred. Feelings set in different dirrections, emotions touched, and my character only changing as I drove the miles. Well let me go on to tell ya'll that someone done made me miss my damn flight. Yes why did we get there at exactly 6:20 and that's when my flight was leaving. Things happen for a reason and I'm a firm believer of that no doubt. So I ended spending the night up in the A with yeah ya'll know who. All I'ma say it was so fuckin crazy, but no regrets at all. Ain't nothing better than someone holding you tight in moments when you feel at your lowest with a mind that is running at 120/h. All is greatly appreciated. Atl always has and will forever welcome me with it's best in all ways. So finally it's time to take that long 9hr flight. It was so dreading and I hated the fact that the last time I had taken that trip it was something I longed for and couldn't wait to get there to Germany. This time around I was scared, tears set in my eyes and I didn't know what to expect at the end of the ride. Last time it was my husband waiting for me at the airport and it was so lovely to finally see him again, this time it was my mother-in-law and her boyfriend doing the greeting. It was nice to see them again, yet hard and sad that it was this situation that brought me to them. Either so I was happy I was with my family once again. I felt very welcomed and loved. Despite the drama that was over there, which I won't talk about cuz ya'll mofos don't need to know everything, it was ok. The family got together and we all pulled through all bullshit set to the side as well as unnecessary people who were a burden to the family. I laugh at some of the women over there for yet they are grimmy as hell. I laugh at the hypocrites I saw, especially this one girl.....guess your mind was feeling guiltier than mine. And you deserve that for what you put my family through.

BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER: Ok I'm mad at this issue. I don't care how good or how awesome my SO is, but to me family is first dick second. Some people just think they can get way with their shit and that shit makes me urk.I don't care how good shit is with your SO or what but if they telling you that you should choose between them and your family......they get a slap from me. Fuck that!!! I don't care how good one can treat me but my family has put up with more shit than any other one can. Some women in foreign countries are just grimmy. SMDH.

KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE....KEEP YOUR ENEMIES CLOSER: Do you honestly think yet again believe who your true friends are??? Think about it. We all say, "Yeah that's my girl she has my back blah blah blah." Question is does she really? Or when you say, "Yeah that's my boy he down for whatever and he always has my back." Does he??? All I'm saying sometimes the friends you have ain't really your friends. A true friend is one that knows you inside out, one that knows your next move and your emotions even why they don't show. In Manny's situation guess he forgot to keep them closer for one of the 13 "BOYS" that were with him did not think twice about their friendship before shit hit the fan. So with that said, I don't have many friends, and I'm so happy for that. I have ASSOCIATES. And a very good bestfriend. But let it be known that to me I come first then do all others. Call me selfish, call me wrong, call me whatever....sue me bitch, but I take care of my own before I take care of others. I was watchin Maury the other day and these two chicks came on the show and one of them had slept with the others boyfriend. JUST TRIFFLING!!! I don't care how good the nigga look, but I'm sorry I just wouldn't sleep with my friend's man. That is just triffling and hoasious. HA new word, not in your book but defenetly on mine. Anywho. Well Ms Nancy, I shall proceed to say that you will never have to worry bout me ever flirting with your man, looking at him sensually, or even having sexual desires, and I lay my hand on the bible because that is some shit I wouldn't do. Plus you know I love me some black papis....LMAO. And I know that you are a lil flirty just like me and I know you will never do anything to hurt me as well. And if you do I will cut you...........J/K but I will fuck that nigga believe that. And you know I'm very VINDICTIVE and I always get the last laugh.....yea yea I'm that snake waiting to bite your head so don't try me.......El que rie al ultimo rie mejor.

ASHES TO ASHES...DUST TO DUST: In Germany the funerals are totally different than here in the states. They have different ways of doing things. I was just amazed of how they did things, but in all Manny is now resting in peace. The coffins over there are totally different. Let's just say I got to touch his hands and give him a last final kiss on the cheek as a goodbye. I'ma miss that man dearly, for yet aside of everything he was just so silly and goofy. And no matter what, he always touched people's heart. I'ma miss you E.L.Y.

HMMMM NOW THAT'S SOME COOKING: Oh goodness Momma can cook her ass off. Ok if ya'll mofos think ya'll can cook, ya'll might wanna take some lessons from her. Holly shit, but I swear shit I had never eaten before and it would look like something I wouldn't want to eat, I done ate it all. And not to mention the fact that my sister-in-law is pregnant and she had all these cravings, Momma done pleased us all. Hmmm I miss her cooking already.

COUGH COUGH, "CAN WE CRACK A DOOR?" Ok why is it that almost all German folks smoke? God my poor lungs were pulling themselves down south to keep away from all the smoke. I would wake up and get welcomed with a cloudy atmosphere of smoke. Cassandra and I stayed opening the door to get some fresh air. And Momma's boyfriend and my brother-in-law stayed smoking weed. Temptation!!! If I was not in the Army I would of been blazing with them too no lie. Damn the regs.

NO HABLO ALEMAN: Me and my sister-in-law went shopping and we had to take the bus, then the strauss to get back n forth. Yes in Germany that's the thing to do take the bus, the strauss and the train to get around unless you own a car. But shit as narrow as their streets are you're probably safer riding a bike or taking another means of transportation. I will post some of the pics of these lil cars that I saw over there. They look so silly. I'll post them later on. Anyways we are there waiting on the bus to come. And since we don't speak German we are assuming the damn bus is coming at 5 something since that's what the sign said, yet what we thought it said. Why did that shit say after 5 take a cab. Bwahhhh we were waiting forever for a bus that was never gonna fuckin arrive and it had started raining. This German old lady comes to us and she's trying to tell us that the busses are not running no more. I look at Cassandra like, "What the fuck is she saying or what does she want?" Well she's trying to tell us that there are no more busses coming and that we need to take a taxi. Well with some half-assed sign signals we kinda managed to understand that were were S.O.L. We are trying to tell here that we had no money for a damn cab and she's just running off in her language like we done understood one word she said. I then half-assed with signals ask her if she was taking a cab, you know so we could tag along and not pay. Cassandra only knew some of the main words she was saying. So Cassandra was like what's the name of the street where Momma lives? I didn't know the damn name since it's so long either so I remembered taking a pic of the damn sign one day and I show her my camera and she's like ok. So she starts walking us around the street. Cassandra and I are laughing our asses off, cuz it's raining, we're lost and have no chedda for a cab. Then we get there to the cab the lady and the man exchange words and she motions for us to get in. So we do. First thing we ask....."Do you speak English????" Yay to our surprise he says, " I was born in the United States." Awwww salvation. We didn't even have to pay cuz he didn't charge us a fee. God if it was crazy, I felt so handicapped for once in my life. I'll never forget that crazy day. I'm so glad I'm back home driving my car.

TIME TO SAY GOOD-BYE: I didn't want to leave Germany, I mean I did cuz I missed my bed, my car, oh goodness my cell phone as well as my family n friends. I wonder if I'll ever go back, I want to go visit and be around the family I had earned. For a minute I thought about putting paperwork to go over there, but nothing I do will bring him back.

WELCOME BACK TO THE A: As soon as the plane landed and I cut my celly on. I had so many damn messages on my voicemail. And I loved each and everyone. Mostly one in particular saying that I was missed and that the individual was calling to hear my voice on my voicemail. Awwww que lindo. I was so happy to get in my car didn't feel like driving so he did the driving. All I'ma say is my day ended great. Let me just say I got out the airport around 5 and I didn't come back to my place till midnight. "YOU DO THE MATH". Either so no regrets, like I said I'm always welcomed in the A, but uhm you owe me big time cuz I done got here at my place till 1:30 and I was very sleepy driving. Oh and I appreciate you washing my car, aint' nothing like a free carwash oh and thanks for the drink I really needed that.


THE HYPOCRITES: Ok well I'm back at work and I'm trying to keep a low silhouette, and then it begins. Niggas trying to invite me to dinner so we can talk, WTF.....Nigga does it look like I'm in need of talking to your ass bout my troubles. Like I have no one to talk to and I'm happy you offered...WTF. Oh hell naw. Some fuckin people have no sense and no fuckin heart. That shit made me so mad. Nigga's talking bout well she's available now let's holla. I'd spit on your face for some grimmy shit like that. I mean my husband hasn't even decomposed and niggas already talking game. HYPOCRITES.!!! I mean I'm not even in the right state of mind and I'm still hurting about what happened and they already plotting on what to do and what to say. I'm sorry but I won't fuckin add to your fuckin charade and make you feel special. Retard!!! Wanna make me feel better about the whole situation, pay my damn AER loan and I might just sit across from your ass on a dinner table. I tell ya. Then to make shit worst, here comes this INSECURE female SGT talking bout I want to know what's the deal between you and my man. WHAT THE FUCK!!! Are you fuckin serious?? Mind you that the "Man" she's talking about used to be my supervisor when I was working in the operating room. My damn SGT. And to top that off I used to babysit his 5 kids and uhm last I recall he only dates white chicks and I'm way off being white. And not only that he is ugly to me, not in my league. Either way she asked me what was going on and I was like look there ain't shit going on between us and uhm one time we did go out to a strip club who he was with his then "WHITE GIRLFRIEND" and they invited me and I went. Not to see your "man" , but to get me some free drinks. Point blank. Big fuckin deal. Then she starts breaking down and shit talking bout he's so jelous and last night I had this gut instinct that he was with someone and I went to the movies and I saw him with this chick. I was like ok what the fuck where do I come in play cuz uhm last I remember she came asking me about her man and I. INSECURE WOMAN WITH ISSUES.....STAY AWAY. Then she's like oh and I'm sorry about your loss. If I had not been in uniform I would of slapped her fuckin face. One for assuming shit that ain't there, two for bringing me her drama when I really don't need that type of shit right about now, and three for being a damn ignorant white bitch. There I said it. So I let it be looked her in the eye and told her, "Look from woman to woman, what your doing is outta range and I'm the wrong person to be talking to. Want some advice,talk to your man not to me cuz I can't help you SGT!" I can't believe she said she went to the movies and drove down the parking lot row by row till she found his car. Damn stalker. Fuck if he gone do dirt he will with or without your fuckin permission. So hold down your ground and prepare for battle and bullshit if he's even worth your time and efforts. Which leads me to the following:

THAT AIN'T WHAT I HEARD: Ok some women are so fuckin crazy. I'm glad to say my drama level has dropped and I really don't have no strings hanging loose. But what about those that are so fuckin full of drama and negativity and get mad when they don't get what they want. The one's that shouldn't even have drama and by some means they just damn do. And I thought my life was full of it, guess I was wrong. I just hate it when women blame shit on the person they fuckin, since there is no title to what they really were. I'm just mad at how some women are so fuckin quick to point fingers at others. I am one to say hey you know what I fucked up and take the consequences at full throttle. But what about those that they point the finger to make themselves superior to the situation. So quick to say yeah I left him, yeah I dumped him, when all along it was the other way around. On a woman level let me say this, you are more of a woman to admit mistakes and ask for forgiveness than to try to turn the table around after one of the legs done broke off. When shit went down with Manny I always said it was my fault. And I told him that our separation was due to my actions. Never did I point the finger at him just hated him for walking away and not staying to work things out. Maybe because I'm one to give more than many chances I expected to get the same in return. But I'm woman enough to say it was him walking out and not saying oh I walked out on that nigga blah blah blah like I see sooooo many women do. Just be real with your shit no need to lie cuz you can't bullshit a bullshitter. Let it be known.

Well I'm tired from last night I went to the club with my girl just to escape from this horrific week and from all that has happened. Had me a few Coronas and put my night at ease. Thanks to all that showed their real feelings towards me in every aspect, thanks to all the beautiful things ya'll said, thanks for the prayers, Carim thanks for what you did on MV, DK thanks for all that you have done for me I owe you. Thanks to my bestfriend for always pickin up the phone no matter what time it is and for always giving the best advice, and your right niggas will come and go, but you are one that will always be here. Love you so much. And why not thanks to the hypocrites, stalkers, lurkers, liars, predators and to all those that I forgot. Oh and even to fuckin BUSH thanks for the high security shit in the airport cuz I would of been damned if I had a terrorist sitting next to me on the damn plane. That would of been the last shit I would have needed.

Till then I'll holla have a safe and beautiful weekend and drink and smoke one for me. Love ya'll guys.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005


How Much Do We Lose
Memories left behind
Untold stories left in blind.
When we are finished and gone
Wonder if all our deeds have been done.
How will you be remembered?
Remembered as that person who never got cattered.
When we are called to the Golden Gates
We jot down as we live life day by day.
In reality how much do we lose,
We lose our lives, the only option to choose.
When all hope and faith is lost
Desires of living fading slowly and finally gone.
No matter who we are or what we'll someday be
In a world like this nothing is ever free.
In life we gamble to survive
Your soul, the last token to hustle to strive.
You live in anger and hatred
Blood always pumping in fury red.
But in all honesty how much do we lose?
Do you want to live or die???....CHOOSE.
We walk the shadows of life in disbelief
Everything so bitter sour, a torn grief.
If only one could stay alive
Making memories and stories come back to life.
Intense cause and effect
Maintain, adapt, execute, and reflect.
A white man's world, they own the system
You win the war but never defeat them.
Your age, your number a mark
Your soul turned cold and then dark.
Thoughts of demons and death
Making you gasp for you last final breath.
An angel you were, an angel you are
A beautiful creating, a shinning star.
Your life flashin before your eyes
You try to scream, yet only cry.
No one hears you, no one is there
They all have left you, how fuckin unfair.
Despite the fact that you are gone
Your memory with us will carry on.
And even though you had to die
To us you're here and will always be our E.L.Y
R.I.P Emmanuel Lee Young (Manny)

Monday, May 02, 2005


I never thought our ending will ever come to be,
Despite the drama and troubles you are now set free.
It hurts to see you gone today without a trace of who you'd be
The truth of us setting deep and memories left in me.
In the beginning we admired each other's soul
Our love so radiant never turning cold.
But as you had said before the road indeed got rough
Guess the bad weather outweighted the good, it was more than tough.
I miss you in a way unexplainable yet real
Your mememory etched in me as carvings set in steal.
Your presence I will never have
For God has taken you where even the poor don't starve.
I wanted to be free I wanted to be me,
I wanted to let you go, but not this way how could it be?
My promises I didn't keep, our vows I betrayed
I was so bitter and cold making you not want to stay.
And here with tears I sit and cry for you
For the man that I loved in full.
My love at first sight
The one I loved with all my might.
The mirror must of broken for it didn't see us gray
It must of shattered or something and caused our love to stray.
The mornings will come and you will never appear
Despite the lives between us....I'll always hold you near.
And as the days will fly by
Without you by my side.
A future beyond with out you near
You promised me.....Remember "I'll be here."
And now that your in heaven set free from all your sins
I will see you soon some day and once again be your next-of-kin.
Remember I made promises to you and even there I shall fullfil
It's the beauty of essence that makes me clean up the spills.
I will keep you alive in my heart for you were always there
I see now the meaning of' "In life things are short and unfair."
And even though your life was cut short, cut at age twenty-three
Remember always Manny you were that special one for me.
I shall see you again where nothing even matters
Where sins are forgive and hearts are never shattered.
And once I again we shall dance away
This is The Ending for a new today.
Dedicated to the man that took my hand in marriage.
R.I.P Emmanuel Lee Young (Manny) 1981-2005


If in the morning when you wake
If the sun does not apear
I will be here
If in the dark we lose sight of love
Hold my hand and have no fear
I will be here
I will be here
When you feel like being quiet
When you need to speak your mind I will listen
Through the winning, loosing, and trying we'll be together
And I will be here
If in the morning when you wake
IF the future is unclear
Just follow me
Because I will be here
As sure as seasons were made for change
Our lifetimes were made for years.
I will be here.
I will be here
And you can cry on my shoulder
When the mirror tells us we're older
I will hold you, watch you grow on beauty
And you tell me all the things you are to me
We'll be together and I will be here
I will be true to the promises I've made
To you and to the one you give to me
I will be here.
Written by: Emmanuel Lee Young(Manny)


The minutes without you turned to days
And the seconds without you flew fast
I could only wish to see you more
To make each moment last.
The times I spent with you
Were what made my heart complete
I know one thing for sure
You and I are unique.
And now just the same
As it doubles day by day
I stare deep into your precious eyes
Yet I'm still speechless to what I should say.
With you I'm in a whole new world
You bring out the best in me
It's hard to picture you not there
This vision I could not see.
Yes the road ahead gets hard
When things may only seem rough
But because you and I try so much
We'll stay strong and get by tough.
Though problems may lie ahead someday
And either of us could be right
I promise to always be by your side
And I promise my heart, so hold it tight.
And so, each night, beside my bed
I pray and wonder why
You and me, could it be
As days flew by.
Written by: Emmanuel Lee Young (Manny)


I saw you on the dance floor and you seemed a lil shy.
The chance for me to dance with you I could not let by.
The first song let me know that we'd dance all night.
It took little time to realize that it was love at first sight!
A new day comes as I wait patiently to call.
Not realizing then that you would be my all.
As time past,I observed thoughts in your mind.
Then I saw your soul to be of a different kind.
Days went by as we spent lots of time together.
I knew then that I wanted you through good and bad weather.
When you answered yes to my proposal, it made the happiest day of my life!
Now in any situation I'm more than happy to say that your my wife.
Now this separation has us both sad and blue.
But the first day I see you, I'll be making love to you.
Starting with a massage to relax you all night.
Then you'll feel my heart again and know everything is alright.
As long as you keep it real and always stay true.
I'll look at the stars everynight and continuosly think of you.
Starting from the crust
To produce the number one trust. what we'll do in The Beginning.
Written by: Emmanuel Lee Young (Manny)

Friday, April 22, 2005


Destiny's Child - T-Shirt
[Spoken Beyonce]
Hey Baby
I Wish You Could See What I Have On Right Now
You So Sexy
Imagine How Intense It Would Be
To Hold Me Right Now
Our Song's Playing

[Verse 1 Beyonce]
At Night, When You're Far And I'm Alone
I Feel The Fabric From Your T-Shirt
Close To My Body
I Can Still Hear Your Baritone
In My Ear Telling Me You'll Take It Slow
And I Was In The Mirror Playing A Roll
Like You Work It, I Couldn't Turn Me On
So I Fell Asleep With The Music On
Woke Up Again Hearing The Same Old Song, Playing

[PreChorus Kelly]
(Oh) Give It To Me Deeper
(Oh) Giving Me The Fever
(Oh) Now You Got My Feet Up
This One Is A Keeper
Now The Second Verse Is Playing
(Oh) We Tried To Stand Up
(Oh) Hold Me While My Hands Up
(Oh) And The Music Picks Up
Fantasies Were Shook Up
I'm Thinking To Myself Again

When You're Not Here (I Sleep In Your T-Shirt)
I Wish You Were Here (To Take Off Your T-Shirt)
After We Make Love (I Sleep In Your T-Shirt)
Wake Up In Your T-Shirt,
Still Smell The Scent Of Your Cologne
When I Need Your Feel (I Sleep In Your T-Shirt)
I Need Help (To Take Off Your T-Shirt)
After We Make Love (I Sleep In Your T-Shirt)
Wake Up In Your T-Shirt,
Still Smell The Scent Of Your Cologne

[Verse 2 Beyonce]
Outside I Hear The Rain On My Windowpane
Hold Up A Minute, Thought I Heard Your Name
My Mind, Playing Tricks On Me Again
I Hear Knocks On The Door, Is That Baby Home
Why Couldn't It Be Reality?
Looked At The Clock It Says 4:03
At Nine, He'll Be Arriving On A Plane
Then We'll Be Making Love And Hearing The Song Again



[Bridge Michelle]
Oh Boy I've Been Waiting
Now My Body's Shaking
You're So Deep, Baby Please, Take It Easy
I Look At Your Face And
Got My Heart Racing
You're So Deep, Baby Please, Take It Easy
[Spoken Beyonce]
Keep It Right There
Oh, Wait, Wait, Yeah
Keep It Right There
You Driving Me Crazy

[Chorus Out]
Do you understand the meaning of the obsession of my request??? Hope you like the dedication.

Thursday, April 21, 2005


Image hosted by
Her kisses taste like strawberries
Soft…full…delicious lips pressing moisturly against mine
Warm…full…cherry coated lips of mine return pleasurably
As our tongues perform an erotic ballet
Her body feels so soft to me
As she wears my athletic skin against her skin
Our glistening hairs tickle each other into frenzy
As our caramel complexions blush against the rhythm of our dance
With pout-like expressions…
We spoil each other so
As she draws out my femininity
And takes me into the cup of her spoon like a man
She’s the center of my affection
The soothe of my erection
Straight Chinese food to go
Sleekly I swim within her love like dolphins
Taking a breath
Then going deep within the pleasures of her inner Francis
To add a little more sugar to traces of tropical fruit Kool-Aid
Left stirring within her digestive systems
I take her there first, second, third and home
Making sure I touch every base
Even the ones that have traces of another shade of lipstick
But I don’t mind…Cause it’s cool
I feel, when she goes shopping with me…
Why limit what she can buy at the mall?
Her pink cookies taste like strawberries
And she’s really on my mind
I love to love her in my mind
Under covers from behind
I lick her flavor off her neck
Smooth her texture down to fine
I tease her hair
Let her take me there
While her hands stay gripped in mine
Until our shyness is gone
I hate strawberries because I can’t control this feeling
This poem here was dedicated to me by the great Carim Flow. Told me I brought him inspiration and he decided to make this write for me. Thanks Carim your the best and you know I love your writes. Glad I inspired your mind.

~*~*~OUR SONG~*~*~

~*~*Bobby Valentino - Slow Down*~*~
I saw you walking
Down on Melrose
You looked like an angel
Straight out of heaven, girl
I was blown away by
Your sexiness
All I have to do is catch up to you
Slow down I just wanna get to know you
But don't turn around
Cuz that pretty round thing looks good to me
Slow down never seen anything so lovely
Now turn around
And bless me with your beauty, cutie
A butterfly tattoo
Right above your naval
Your belly button's pierced too just like I like it girl
Come take a walk with me
You'll be impressed by
The game that I kick to you
It's over and for reeaal
Like a flower fully bloomed in the summertime, you're ready
To be watered by this conversation, you're ready
I'm in awe cause you shine like the sun
Let me be the one to enjoy you
Let's kick it girl
[Repeat Hook x 2]
Oh baby you know by now that
I want you bad
I'm floating on thin air
I can't come down
Cupid hit me already damn
Now I can't leave till seven digits are in my hand, my hand
[Repeat Bridge]
[Repeat Hook x 2]
Slow down never seen anything so lovely Cutie
This song is so hot and it's the jam bumpin in KIKI. Someone dedicated this song to me and told me that when he listens to it he thinks of cute. In life it's the smallest things that matter. Materialist shit isn't always thoughtful. I'm loving this song, my song, his song, our song.

Monday, April 18, 2005


No nasty I'm not talking bout that type of quickie. I'm talking bout a quick post. So much has been going on. The calls keep coming....yes they do. Not gonna mention names of who the calls are from, but you know if you are reading my blog you are one of them. ***Smiling so angelic***. A call says more than one million words specially when it's from someone you long to see.....sooner than soon.

YOUR VOICE: You entice me with that sexy voice the simplest things you say make my body shiver. Makes my joy throb and makes me anticipate the moment till we take each others breath away....I'm waiting and you're worth my wait.

ATL: I might be rolling down there in the A this Saturday with my cousins and their crew. She's in the NAVY and she's coming home for the weekend to Dalton. We have decided to meet up in the A and go kick it at a club and get "BUCK WILD". Ya'll just don't know!!! Ohhh boy!!!! Chillin with the familia!!! Oh and for Memorial Day weekend I will be going to Dalton to one of my cousin's graduation which almost all my family will be gathering. So fuckin happy cuz I'ma see all my cousin's from Florida. Can't wait.

GETTING TO KNOW YOU: Talking with you on a daily. Hearing your voice whispering in my ear, your words making love to what seems to be shattered, bringing light into my life. I'm curious yet feel weird. A feeling indescribable yet strong. Every phone call makes me wonder if we will see each other soon. I'll wait question is will you?

P.I.E....PARTNERS IN EDUCATION: I have volunteered in this program. It's pretty cool cuz on Friday's at 1300 I get to go to this middle school and help 6th and 7th graders with their homework. I just wish I could do this back at home and instead of helping kids that I don't know it could be my lil sister instead. It was funny this past Friday was my first time going and I swear the kids there are so damn huge. I felt so little and I felt like I was a 7th grader. It was crazy cuz the boys were checking me out in the hall way and in the classroom. I was looking at them like they could be my lil brothers of lil sisters and they were looking at me like I could be their future girlfriend. I went to a luncheon today in recognition of P.I.E. and it was pretty good. DK thanks for encouraging me to attend cuz you know my ass was bout to turn KIKI around and head home. I took some pics I might post them later on, I feel lazy and I'm bout to go lay down and wait on a call from that sexy boy.

Aiight I'm tired and I'ma take my ass to bed. Goodnight folks!!! Thank you, come again....:D

One last thing before I hit the sack....a lil quote from an early chat...
"FRANCIS YOU ARE THE PROTOTYPE".....very very hot!!! A+

Tuesday, April 12, 2005


I should of known what you had in mind, you tried to corner me and you succeeded. I know I made you mad, made you furious. I crawl deep into your skin, with words that should of never escaped my mouth. I was foul, I hurt you, and I'm sorry. I cried and felt no comfort, you stood there and all I wanted was for you to hold me for I felt ashamed and confused. I was hurting, but I knew you were too. I expected you to up and leave, but you didn't and that gave me comfort. Made me think and realize that at times I underestimate you and your existence. I treat you like any other, but it's not outta spite. I'm trying to handle my own, trying to take care of myself, keeping my guard high for yet another man won't bring me down. I was cold and bitter, feelings I care not to have. And even thou I hurt you and you hurt me, we pulled it together. I called you names you did the same. Were sick in the head, in nature were humans. I'm learning I'm growing and with you I'm willing to share and to care. Willing to be fair and set my feelings free as they come. Thanks for staying when you could of walked out. It's moments when I share my tears with you that tell me that you are worthy of my existence. I'm not gonna lie, your words did hurt me and I hate scars.

SCENT~*~HOW WILL YOU BE REMEMBERED: If there is one thing about me is the infatuation of scent. I'm one that likes to smell good and love it when others do as well. Call it my fetish or whatever you want but a good scent ranks high in cool points in my book. I found his shirt under my bed and I grabbed it and it felt like I was graving him. COMFORT....hmmmm that sweet BURBERRY!!!!


BAMA IS no not like that!!!!, but BAMA IS BACK!!!

DK the "SPAMBURGLER" trying to husle my spam.....DK you are so silly, but it's nice to know that there are folks out there that despite the miles still hold it down. You ranking high in my spamgenda.

Well folks I'ma crawl my ass to sleep cuz I gotta wake up at 0500 and it comes by tooo fast. I'll chit chat with you all tomorrow and tell you more bout my business cuz I know some mofos be up in here religiously. So the sermon shall continue tomorrow, go in peace.